my goodbye

My dad has not been well for some time and this early Spring in HK, he had a bad time. We were all afraid he would leave us but with lots of luck and prayers around us, he survived. Even back then I didn't know what a victory that was.

Then he moved back to Korea this May and in late summer I get a call. A dawning scary call saying he might be leaving us in a few days because he was bleeing in his brain and even the operation they did on him have limitation to how much it can help him at this stage. We were all so nervous and I flew to Korea to go see him. He was kept alive by the tubes around him all inserted inside him doing their whatever jobs they were suppose to do.

We prayed his conscious would return, we didn't even expect him to step out from his bed but the least we needed was his returned conscious.
He went on to be like this for weeks and I went back home thinking he would be better when I return next.

On the 11th of Septemeber he left us in his hospital bed.
I wasn't even at his bed side.
I don't know which is better, to have someone leave you all of sudden or giving you time to absorb what's happening and what may happen pretty soon.
Either way, you can never be prepared for it.

People patted me on my shoulder, hugged me, giving me kind words.
I couldn't even cry, just felt like it was very dark around me and for some reason I couldn't think either.
Then in weeks I started to accept. He has left us. How ever much we get down about it, life goes on. Things still go on. And it will be like this every time someone around me leaves, even when my time comes.

So many memories with him speed by in my head. Some say before dying they see a short film of their life in their head, I think that sort of things happen to the family too. Bad things get filtered away, only the rest stays.

If it wasn't for K and Leigh, I would probabIy be in my pyjamas in bed feeling sorry for myself. I am not quite sharp yet (I don't know why but this experience has left me very numb) but I am doing what I can to get my everyday things going as best as I can. I don't want to be the mom who just dwells in her own miseries either, that wouldn't be fair for my girl.

There are so many things I want to say, what happens after death? what's the right thing to do now? why now... I am starting to not make sense.
I should sign out.
I will pour my thoughts out next time.

Wishing you all a great day.

my favorite sister

I am not a religious person, I tried once though.
My memories of childhood starts slowly when I was around 4... or so.
And I remember wearing white lacy fabric over my head kneeling before the altar making crosses from my forehead to heart, left to right across my heart mimicking what adults did at the cathedral. I wasn't really sure what was going on I think but I knew little facts about God and Jesus and the pretty lady statue always in blue robe, then I was a regular at Sunday school and sisters were really nice to me and I loved them so much I even went to visit them on Saturdays or after school.
They gave me cookies and candies and my favorite sister sometimes took me out to treat me for sugar buns at the local bakery and told me not to tell others she treated me, I think I was her favorite back then.... I know that it's not fair but she is only human and I took full advantage of the fact.

Her name was sister Bonita. I never even asked her last name and I could kick myself for it. She was so good to me and I never asked her last name....
I don't have any ways to contact her anymore but I remember her, stories she told me, the little pretty cards with bible illustrations that she gave me every time I saw her and the beautiful rosario she gave me when I left Korea for Hong Kong.
I still have it with me. Where ever she is, I hope she is happy and well.

You know, we hear so many weird stories about fathers and vicars/priests around the world who have been blinded with desires they are not suppose to have... almost corrupted for some.
(and yes, there are wonderful fathers/vicars/priests too!!)
But we never hear one about sisters. They are strong and well willed ladies who deserve more respect than many other religious people in the Catholic pyramid. And there should not be any pyramid to start with.

how have you been?

Oh hi there, it's been absolutely crazy but I am alive and breathing. You?
The past few months have been a real roller coaster, I hope when I am old and hopefully wiser, I can look back and say I now know why it was the way it was with a  smile.

On a happier note, let's hope me writing this short blog means I will be writing in more.

Halloween is coming soon, any plans? I don't have anything in mind right now, I think we will be spending our Halloween in Korea...

My sugar bunny is on the sofa playing ipad asking me a zillion times if she can still continue playing without having to go take a bath.
I love you so much, you get me going everyday.

Photo from Martha Stewart

rice coconut cookies

It's actually rice and almond powder cookies but the aroma of coconut oil I used is so strong that I have to say it's more coconut oil flavored than anything else.

And it's actually quite good :)
(gluten and dairy free)

leafy bunch

Got these today :)

Tofu sour cream

Sauteed saury fish and scallop in garlic tomato sauce served with tomato anchovy sauce.
ANd..... (drum sound) delicious tofu sour cream!

This tofu sour cream is heavenly and healthy. I suggest you make it right before you serve :)

ingredients:
•150g of kinu tofu
(the harder type if you have a choice of soft and hard type at your store)
•2 teaspoon of olive oil
•1/2 teaspoon of salt
•1 teaspoon of freesh lemon juice

Simply mix above in a blender till creamy.
Taste and adjust with more salt/lemon juice to your liking.

It's light and delicious.
Now just let me know what you'd like to take this with! :)

I didn't expect anything this good but it's really good!
Do try it if you own a mixer/blender.
Credits to Issie for teaching me how to make this :) thanks a bunch again!

madeleine cake

Got this little cake from a special shop where they make various cakes and sweets for different allergy requirements. I don't know how but they can bake without milk, butter, flour and eggs...

Anyways, I whipped up soy milk cream and topped it off with sweetened black bean :)

Happy snack time :)

macaron with peanut butter

I don't even have to go on, it's dairy and gluten free of course.

This is my second attempt this summer and I think I can getting the hang of it.
I just need to get hold of pure powder sugar instead of powder sugar with cornstarch (yes, cornstarch is gluten free since it's made from corn) becuase the cornstarch tends to create cracks sometimes. Otherwise I am happy with them.